Blessed By Chance
Pat and Andi never set out to adopt. They were enjoying life as a married couple with no plans for kids other than Pat’s son from what she refers to humorously as the “previous administration.” In addition to working a full-time job, Pat also cared for her mother who lived with them. When her mother passed away, she felt she had too much time on her hands, but she was a person that liked to stay busy and found herself with nothing to do with her spare time. She was bored. An ad for a Sunday night nursery attendant at a local church piqued her interest. It wasn’t the money. It was something to do to fill time. She got the job and continued to work in the nursery over the next four years.
The nursery job was a perfect fit. She was able to stay busy and she was great with the kids. The church had a strong support system for foster families which meant several of the kids that spent time in the nursery were in foster care.
This was Pat’s first experience with foster care. She and Andi both were raised by their biological parents. On top of that, both of their parents had been married for fifty or more years to each other. As time went on and Pat continued her work in the nursery, she got to know some of the foster parents and eventually started having conversations about the process. There were always children that needed homes.
After learning more about how it worked and knowing there was such a need, she approached Andi with the idea of becoming foster parents. He was receptive and about a year later they received a call that two of four siblings were in desperate need of placement. After much discussion, they decided they would give it a go. As educated as they tried to be on the front end, it was not possible to be fully prepared for what they would experience.
While they had an overall understanding of what being foster parents entailed, it was an eye-opening experience to learn the history behind the situations and conditions the children had been exposed to. The environment they came from made them challenging to parent. They had been in a total of twelve different foster homes in between attempts to reunite them with their biological mother. One advantage to Pat and Andi’s home was familiarity. When the children arrived to live with them an excited “Miss Pat” in a small child’s voice could be heard. It was one of the little girls that had been in her care in the nursery. This helped with the transition and provided a layer of trust. Often foster children do not have a gauge for trust due to the many difficult situations they have been exposed to.
Strict guidelines and rules foster parents had to follow presented a layer of challenges to their foster parenting experience. At the time, foster parents were required to gain the consent of the biological parent for some of the most basic needs and decisions. The process was not easy. While trying to maintain the best environment possible for the children, Pat and Andi dealt with the fallout from the biological parents missing court dates, non-consistent visitation and failing drug tests. There was no response to communication attempts which made it next to impossible to gain approval even for something as simple as a much-needed haircut.
The children were with Pat and Andi for nearly three years. They did the best they could to meet needs, set examples and show them what a family was despite the challenges and setbacks they faced. The biological parents eventually relinquished their parental rights. The option to adopt and make the children a permanent part of the family presented itself. After careful thought and consideration, Pat and Andi decided to move forward with the process. After all, they had already invested time and emotion into them. They had been through counseling and were willing to continue to do what they could to provide a stable home life and the best possible environment they could for the children.
The process started moving forward. The adoption specialist visited their home and they were doing all they needed to do to get things in order. The kids had been informed and everyone was so excited they would be a family. Then officials decided they wanted to keep the four siblings together and adopt them into a home as a unit. The adoption process came to an abrupt halt. After much discussion, Pat and Andi felt taking on two additional siblings was just too much. It was a tough, heartbreaking decision, but was just not possible. The children were adopted by a family in another town that was able to provide a home to all four siblings. The ties were not severed completely though. Fortunately, they can keep in touch to this day with the new parents and have been able to follow the progress of the children. After all, they were going to share their home and lives with these kids, they were invested. Being able to know they are taken care of provides a bit of comfort to a very difficult situation.
Along the way, they had a good support system and a lot of encouragement through their connection with the foster agency, TFI. It was because of a trusted representative of the agency they decided to move forward and foster another sibling set. They fostered them in their home until they moved o to another home.
Pat and Andi decided to foster a third time. This was a sibling set as well. An older boy, wise beyond his years, and a very young little sister. By this time the shock value had worn off. They had experienced different situations and gained valuable experience. Pat and Andi could handle just about any obstacle they encountered and were thriving as foster parents providing a stable environment.
Previously, the children had grandparents that had taken them in and helped as much as they could. However, they eventually came to the very difficult decision to not intervene and take them in this time. It was the only way to break the endless cycle of them being returned to their biological mother and subject to being taken away again. By sacrificing and not stepping in, the grandparents gave the children a chance to be adopted by another family and have some permanency in their lives.
The grandparents developed a relationship with Pat and Andi when they became foster parents and have been able to maintain a relationship with the children. Pat and Andi have encouraged a relationship between the children and their biological mother as well. There are set terms she has agreed to follow and if she meets them, she is able to have visitation and remain a part of their lives. With the best interest of the children truly at heart, the mother agreed to sign over her rights and allow for Pat and Andi to adopt them. Last September, after nearly three years together, they officially became a family of five.
The kids have continued to thrive, are doing well in school and participate in activities. Pat and Andi are excellent parents and provide a loving home. Andi says that the special times for her are the holidays. She especially enjoys watching the kids become bonded with family including bonus grandparents and bonus cousins. Giving the kids a healthy and rich family life and establishing traditions is important. One of the most rewarding aspects is watching them enjoy time with family.
Bonus Mom
Amber and Ryan met through mutual friends who had suspected the two might be a good match. She was the mother of a two-year-old daughter, Taylor. Ryan had three girls of his own, Jessica, Shelby and Katie, the oldest of which was six. The couple really hit it off and were married after a quick three months.
They both went into the relationship with full transparency of the past and a determination that they would make it work. They had a shared similar values and a vision for their family. Learning to live with another person and share your life can be challenging and adding four tiny humans and having to navigate parenting with exes to the mix takes marriage to a whole new level. Through trials and tribulations, they were able to stay grounded in their belief in God and give him the credit for keeping them together and allowing them to overcome the things that came their way as they raised the girls and maintained their family.
The girls were young enough when Amber married their dad that having a bonus mom and sister was the norm for Jessica, Shelby and Katie. Of course, it was not all bubbles and rainbows and raising kids, in general, can present challenges almost daily. This blended family worked though. Communication with co-parents was a vital part of the success. Throughout the years as the girls grew up, there was always a central focus in their lives. No matter how crazy life got or how many challenges tcame before them, Amber and Ryan worked hard to ensure that the girls were raised knowing God’s presence. The handcrafted gifts all the girls gave Amber over the years reflected so.
An impressive likeness of the beloved family dog was among the many thoughtful presents made from the heart that was given. For her fiftieth birthday, the girls surprised Amber with a basket of fifty scrolled notes handwritten in beautiful calligraphy. Each one with a special memory, quality, or personality trait they loved about her.
“The bible studies we did as kids” was among them. Amber would create lessons and cover fun bible studies with the girls leaving precious memories and instilling life lessons. “Always making plenty of spaghetti for me to get seconds” was another. “Loves to be spontaneous” – a message reflecting the fun and excitement of unplanned activities they experienced along the way. Each note was a well thought out message. “Always there for and supporting our dad” showed they recognized the devotion and were appreciative of it. “You can laugh at yourself” – a trait not all have, but sets an example that sometimes things don’t go as planned and you just must roll with the punches and laugh along the way. Each one of the fifty was reflective of a life of growing and learning and the note that reads “Godly Christian example” reflects an image they look up to and respect.
Amber will be the first person to tell you she is not perfect, and she continues to ask for the grace of God every day. Healthy communication with the girl’s best interest at heart throughout the years has led to a network of support from all sides. This is evident in their adult lives and their own individual family relationships. Grandkids have now been added to the family and benefit from the unconditional support and love received from all sides. There are not enough words to describe the amount of pride in Amber’s voice when she talks about them.
It is possible to have a truly blended family with unconditional love. It takes work. It takes a lot of communication and a determination to never give up, but it can happen which is a definite bonus.
Bond from Day One
Being a mother is not necessarily a definition; it is a feeling. The moment you become a mother can be very different depending on each situation. For me, from the moment I knew I was pregnant, I felt like a mom. I had a little tiny life to protect and nurture and the pressure of making sure I did things to the best of my ability was on. I took birthing classes and I read the books. I thought I was prepared. In the back of my mind, I guess I thought magically all this motherly knowledge would somehow just appear out of instinct once I had the baby and all would be right with the world. I could not have been more wrong.
The first night home with my new baby daughter without the backup of nurses in the hospital was a bit of an eye-opener for me. I was being considerate and letting my husband sleep since he was a baseball coach with a game the following day. I was confident I could handle anything; I was a mom!
When she would cry, I met the need. If she had a wet diaper I changed it, if she was hungry, I fed her. Simple, right? Wrong. I would hold her a bit after the need was met and put her back down, automatically she would start crying again. I would pick her back up and we would rock and walk and relax. Exhausted, I would lay my peaceful sleeping baby down and like a switch, she would cry. Naïve young me grew more anxious and knowing now what I did not know then, she fed on my emotions. It was an endless cycle of sleep-deprived me trying to lay an unwilling sleeper in her crib. I wanted to cry. I am pretty sure I did.
Where was the manual for this little baby? Who in their right mind put me in charge of a tiny human? Somehow by the grace of God, we made it through that first night and every night after that. Once I relaxed and we got to know each other a little better our nights were a lot calmer and enjoyable. I valued every second with her.
I also learned to sleep when she slept which helped immensely. That tidbit of advice came from my own mother. She was a wise woman who raised five kids. She knew that I needed to figure the whole motherhood thing out on my own, but she helped with advice in any way she could. While her life was cut short a mere three months later after a very short battle with cancer at the age of fifty-seven, I realized that she had been training me for motherhood and showing me the example of what it meant to nurture and care for someone all my life.
Eight years later I had my son and to this day I still remember her advice. Her wisdom, along with a little help from google and other family and friends, made me a much more confident and relaxed mom the second time around.
There are moments I see my mom’s personality reflected in my kids. Certain things they say or do remind me of her, and it makes me smile. I have no doubt in my mind that my mom would have been very close to them, and I know in my heart how proud she is of me and the mom I have become.
My mom was everything to me. Even during my teenage years when I did not necessarily want to admit it, I knew deep down that she was always right. She was the smartest, strongest woman I have ever known.
When I think of my mom, I remember how fun she was to be around. She had a very quick wit and was constantly making me laugh. She was always coming up with nicknames and to this day one of my lifelong friends and I refer to each other as “LuLu” even though neither one of us remembers exactly how it started. My friends
She loved animals. She helped countless litters of kittens fight for survival and became very attached to several family dogs over the years. She had kindness and nurturing in her blood. Her kind heart extended to people. She especially had a tender heart for the lost and discarded. This applied to people as well.
I can remember at least two different times both my brother and sister had friends that came to live with us. What were two more when you were raising five kids? For whatever reason, they had no place to go, and she took them in. It was never an official foster child situation; I am not even sure if it was a thing then. She just made sure they had food to eat and a roof over their head.
While she was kind, she was also strong and strict about what was right and what was wrong. So, if the friends that came to live with us were there because of behavior issues or not getting along with their own families, you would have never known it. I don’t remember a situation where they were disrespectful. They were just thankful.
I mentioned earlier that my mom raised five kids. My dad relocated to Arizona leaving her a single parent at a time when it was not common. My mom was strong and worked hard to provide for us and maintain a stable environment. Fortunately, she had the support of her parents who helped every chance they could. You have probably heard the phrase “it takes a village to raise a child” and I can attest to the fact that it is true. However, it takes a strong person at the heart of that village to keep it going and for me, that person was my mom.
A few short months before she passed away, my mother gave me a card for my birthday with the most precious postscript, and I treasure it to this day:
“P.S. Always cherish your little miracle! Make each day special. We never know how long they’ll be ours. For now, God has entrusted you with her care.”
Whether a mother’s love comes from adoption, foster parenting or biology, it is something to be admired.
